Senior citizens wear bras too
Today I forced J to accompany me to the brassiere store. Really it was just a department store for old ladies trying desperately to be a hip store full of skanky junior-sized outfits that, for reasons unknown to mankind, are sized in odd numbers. There’s something very wrong about a mannequin wearing a mesh tube top-turned-dress standing defiantly near a mannequin adorned in sensible elastic-waisted slacks, embroidered American flag t-shirt, and complete with a pair of orthopedic shoes.
I rounded up the necessary boulder holders very quickly. It was about 1200 degrees outside and 1097 degrees inside. Trying on bras was not an option.
I walked up to the cashier, a tiny white haired woman of a certain age, and handed her the chosen ones. She looked up and said in a very loud voice, “YOU LOOK LIKE THAT WOMAN ON TV!”
I resisted the urge to lunge for the doors. People were staring. If I ran with the bras I’d look really stupid when my feet got caught up in the bra straps and I fell down and busted my lip. Then I’d get arrested and my mugshot would look like a case of police brutality. It would just be ugly.
So I said, “Eh, I do? What woman? Thank you? Wait, is she an ugly woman? I bet you’re talking about some ugly ass woman. Ugly Betty? For the LOVE OF GOD WOMAN WHO ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!!!”
She didn’t know. All she knew is that she saw her on TV this morning. Then she said she was as ugly as a fence post, laughed devilishly, and began gushing about how I’m beautiful. Then she suddenly switched gears, held up one of the bras, and asked if I’ve worn one of this type before. I said no. She said they were wonderful. I said Oh? Do you like it? She said (loudly again) I HAVE ONE ON RIGHT NOW!
And God help me, I couldn’t stop myself. I undressed her with my eyeballs. I saw that woman in her skivvies. Damn my imagination! Damn it I say!
It was a strange way to spend fifteen minutes.
I can’t stop wondering what celebrity she was talking about. I’m paranoid. I hope she wasn’t mistaking Michael Jackson for a woman.
I’m still thinking about her wearing the bra I just bought. Not THE same bra, but one just like it. I wonder if an old lady tried MY bra on? That’s a very strange thought. And now I’ve just realized that you probably think I’ve bought one of those enormous Cross Your Heart numbers that comes in a box and covers from belly button to collarbone. No, this is a cute bra. A cute bra that is worn by women of all ages. Apparently.
I am simultaneously loving and fearing this woman. J has taken a turn for the worse. He’s gone insane from knowing about a senior citizen’s undergarments.
This entire discussion reminds me of a documentary movie I once rented from Blockbuster online wherein a large group of senior citizens met in a big house and proceeded to engage in a swingers’ party. It involved sex swings, hot tubs, food, talking, and orgies. I watched it with my parents. It was mildly interesting, but mostly creepy. My parents think I have strange taste in movies.
Can you believe you just spent three minutes of your life reading about bras and old women and senior citizen orgies? No? Well you should. This is my blog after all.
potty-mouthed responses
I have a serious bra addiction. H has to hide the Victoria’s catalog when they come in the mail (and then I have to clean up the mess, gets all the bills sticky) because otherwise I will spend the evening flipping through the pages going Oooh and Aahh and My boobs would LOVE this one. Then I wait until he goes to bed and order a dozen or three, because even though we have a store in the mall, I have to order mine because I get flustered being silently judged by all those skinny little skanks who work there, until I finally blurt out loudly “They weren’t always the size of my head, you know!” and run out of the store.
Posted: May 7th, 2009 at 6:37 amAnyway, I love bras.
Poor J. Poor you. Thinking of that naked old woman….YUCK.
Posted: May 7th, 2009 at 6:49 amhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha……
*pause to wipe tears running down face*
hahahahahahahhaahhahahahahahahahahahah……
Thank you for sharing. I want you to know that was the best three minutes of my week. I’m terribly sorry you find yourself held hostage by fate in Texas, but I’m glad you’re back blogging.
Posted: May 7th, 2009 at 8:33 amROFLMAO You are a strange, strange woman. Funny as hell, but strange, nonetheless. But then I know what I’m talking about. After all, I have a picture of a cloud penis on my blog.
I hate bra shopping. And except for Victoria’s Secret (which I don’t fit into, btw) all bra shops and bra departments in stores are run by little old ladies. I don’t know what the hell that is all about, but it’s true.
Posted: May 7th, 2009 at 8:37 amWas she cute at least? LOL!
Posted: May 7th, 2009 at 4:36 pmThis post is going to show up in some odd Google searches for sure LOL.
Great to have you back!!
Posted: May 8th, 2009 at 8:01 pmFound your blog from Midlife Slices…first time reading- and I almost fell off my chair laughing!
When I worked retail (a hundred years ago) I had a customer tell me once that I looked like her sister-in-law, followed by “She’s such a bitch.”
Then she looked at me all panicked and said “you seem much nicer, though!”
Huh. Shows what she knows!
Posted: May 10th, 2009 at 12:33 amErin….dear….you shall be old one day too and people will be talking about your old lady parts and it won’t be pretty. Whatever are we old ladies supposed to do?? Do without bras? Now THAT would be a damn pretty sight, I tell ya. NOT!
If it had been me there telling you I had on one just like it, I’d have lifted my shirt and showed you because I always worry that people don’t believe me. You would be scarred for life then so count your blessings that i don’t work retail.
p.s. Tera, I’m sorry. LOL
Posted: May 10th, 2009 at 11:42 pmThis post reminds me of the time I was working retail and ringing up a kindly-looking grandmother. She went on and on about how pretty I was, and then remarked on what nice breasts I had. She talked about them to her other grandmotherly friend for a couple of minutes before asking me if she could touch them.
I haven’t yet thought of an innocent reason for that.
Posted: May 12th, 2009 at 10:46 pmSo cool to see you blogging again! And I must agree with the previous…….best 3 minutes of my week! Mostly on account of I haven’t been laid yet this week…but then….that might not last 3 minutes. Whatever! God, how I love coming here, to the let it all hang out blog. I feel so comfortable ;). But I do have to tell you that I sell bras too!!! You know the ones. The cutsie little pokie dot and striped ones for $5 at W*M! It really makes me throw up in my mouth a little when I get this involuntary flash of a mental picture of one of my 5″1~300 lb~toothless~sagging boobs to waistline (or beyond)~rednecks, decked out in a pink and yellow polka dot bra. Ewwwwwwwwwww!!!!!! And they always toss them on the belt between their ham hocks and Little Debbie cakes. What is up with that?!?
Me? I always buy my bras at Lane Bryant where I get waited on by Fellow Chubby Chicks, so I don’t have old lady issues. Well, except I am {almost} the old lady in that scenario! Hmmmmmm. Now I wonder if I make THEM throw up in their mouth a little when I buy my lacy, pretty bras! OMG! What a startling thought!
But, again, SOOOOO glad you’re back. Please post about 5 times a day, okay?? I really need an “Erin Fix” much more often. U R the Best!!! **smooch**
Posted: May 13th, 2009 at 7:15 amBut wait! There’s more! I almost forgot. You’re gonna love this. In keeping with your ’senior citizen orgy’ theme, it brings to mind a recent conversation between Hubby and the guy that works for him. He’s in his late 20’s and a very fine specimen, btw. Anyhoo, he was telling Hubby that he and his lady were watching a porn flick the other night and what to his wondering eyes should appear but a 50 something woman and she had gray pubes! Totally freaked him out!!!! Asked Hubby if he and I had gray pubes. Hubby told him he was getting a little too personal. LMAO Then he said if HE got gray pubes, he was shaving them off. Gads!!! It was too funny.
Posted: May 13th, 2009 at 7:21 amYou’ve disappeared again and I’m sad!!!
Posted: July 15th, 2009 at 12:05 amLeave a Reply